Our beautiful friend, Kaya, was in what she thought was a great relationship, only to have him completely disappear on her, claiming that she did something he's mad about (but won't tell her what it was).
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I must admit I love reading your posts. They are very informative, inspirational and helpful.
I was wondering if you could help me figure out a problem I am currently experiencing.
I met a guy few months ago and we started dating. Everything was great as we both wanted a mature, committed relationship and we both have similar life goals about the future. He officially called me his girlfriend and was planning to take me to his sister's wedding in July.
He made it clear how much he likes me and how much he enjoys his time with me. Every aspect of our relationship was amazing.
Last weekend after he went to work he never called me or texted me (he usually does) so I was a bit worried. After several days of failed attempts to contact him he finally texted me that he is mad at me but doesn't tell me why.
I am so confused by this situation.
I am not sure what to do or say. We didn't have a fight so I can't think of anything specific that I have said or done that upset him. I am willing to apologize if I have hurt him in any way but he won't call me back. I don't understand how someone who is so into you can just stop communicating.
I am afraid that the longer it takes the harder it will be for us to maintain our great relationship. That is, unless he ever calls. I was under the impression that if you are in a relationship there must an official break up... right?
Please help me understand what is going on and what I can do.
Thank you so much for all your kind words.
XOXO
Kaya
My Response:
Dear Kaya,
I’m so glad you reached out to me, and that you’re finding these posts so helpful. We’re just not meant to go through these things alone!
One of the greatest lessons we can ever learn is not to take anyone else’s actions personally. So many of us can relate to this type of situation, where you have no idea what happened to “make” someone suddenly change or suddenly disappear. We’re almost always blindsided when this happens because we’re paying so much attention to all things we want to see and hear, that we don’t see anything else.
The fact is that it could be any number of things. But the only thing that you need to know is that it’s about him and not you. He may not even know what he’s mad about or why. It may be completely subconscious, and it may be he’s mad at himself and simply projecting this on you.
It may also be that he doesn’t know what else to say after everything he’s already said to give you every reason to believe he was on the same page as you, and now this is the easy way out for him. Again, for whatever reason that might be.
Of course you’re confused; how could you not be?
But what there shouldn’t be any confusion about now, is how this guy chooses to communicate with you when there is a problem.
He doesn’t communicate. He disappears.
He only responds after several days of failed attempts on your part to reach him – and then, only with a cryptic text and no further explanation. Leaving you with nothing to work with.
What exactly is there to maintain, Kaya? Where is that great relationship if it can come down to this?
Oh the potential may have been there, but what you see now from him – and more aptly, what you don’t see – is every bit as much as real as everything you saw previously. Now you have more information.
If you remind yourself that this is all a part of the process of getting to know someone better and you take it as the valuable information that it is, you can choose what you want to do with it.
Even if he were to tell you what made him mad enough to cut off all communication with you, it doesn’t change the fact that this is the way he handles problems. Is this really what you had in mind when it comes to communication with someone you’re in a great relationship with? And more importantly, can you live with this?
If this is someone you want to build a life and a future with, you’re getting a taste of what you can expect more of, not less. This is the honeymoon stage in the beginning of all relationships; it’s where you get the best of what someone is all about.
No, there doesn’t have to be an official break up for this to end. It’s easier this way – for him. This way, he doesn’t have to explain his reasons.
He doesn’t have to talk about what went wrong – for him. And most importantly, it leaves the door open for him if he should ever change his mind. He can say it never closed, that he got busy, that he had his own stuff to work though, that it was all about something going on for him that he worked his way through.
What can you do?
You can keep trying if you need to. You can keep trying to get your answers out of him, keep trying to somehow get through to him to “make” him talk to you and tell you what’s wrong so you can get back to where you were before. But what you do to yourself when you put yourself in that position hurts you so much more than it helps the two of you get back to where you were.
If he was capable of that – if he wanted that – he knows how to reach out and communicate with you.
Or you can let this be – let him be. Haven’t you already done all you can in trying to communicate with him to get more of an answer out of him? We never get the closure we think we can get by trying to make someone give it to us this way.
Sometimes we just need to accept the reality that we can see right in front of us. Who he is right now. What his actions say about him right now.
Find your peace in that acceptance first, Kaya. And then return to you. Chalk it up to him having his own reasons, his own issues, his own stuff, and then give it all to him. Take your own power back here; you’ve got your own life to live, and that doesn’t include chasing after anyone for an explanation they obviously have no intention of giving you.
Remember that if there was something you could actually do about any of this, he would make sure you knew enough to know exactly what to do!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other advice or words of encouragement for our beautiful friend Kaya? Share them with us in the comments!
am in the similar situation....
i have been trying to meet him, but its not working
as now even he is answering my calls n texts..
am in the similar situation....
i have been trying to meet him, but its not working
as now even he is not answering my calls n texts..
I thought you all would like this letter. Its an open letter from a disappearing guy
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/why-i-disappeared-an-open-letter-to-the-girls-i-never-texted-back/
I have a friend who went through this same thing. They had a great relationship, were happy together, did everything together. Then when morning she woke up and he was gone. Left a note saying he went hunting and would talk to her when he got back. Well she didn't hear anything for about a week and he finally wrote her and said he had too much to deal with and was stressed with work and it was over.
After a few months, and her finally starting to move on, he reached out to her, and now they are back together. When she talks about what happened, its like she is defending him. They are happy now, but he ended things cowardly because he was stressed with work. He got a promotion, got adjusted and came back to her.
I am happy for her, but I worry in the future if he will break her heart every time life gets stressful rather than being a man and having her help him through the tough times.
Kaya - I hope you find out what happened to this guy, and I hope he doesn't wait to long to come back. But before jumping back in a relationship (if he comes back to want one), make sure you think about the things I mentioned. Don't put your heart out there for a guy who may run away because he can't handle stress or something, etc.
I'm in a sexual relationship with this guy named, Vic. We met online and we've chatted a couple of times. We met on chat room and right now I'm kind of having doubts about the relationship. He even said that I want sex but there's a void inside my heart and that I'm replacing sex with this void. All in all, I still think about having sex with him. We've never met in person, but in the chatroom, we used web cameras. Sometimes I often have sexual thoughts about him and I. I like watching sex and the city and often times I'm guilty about watching it because I'm a Christian and watching something that looks glamourous but sinful is against God. So when I'm chatting with Vic, I often wonder am I sinning against God by having an online relationship with this man? Even though I enjoy the perks of chatting with him online, I can't help but wonder should I cut ties with him or stay and enjoy the ride?
Thats exactly what is happening to me. Thanks for your advice...
Sorry to hear Kaya's experienced this. I've been in a similar situation before (in a previous relationship) except with no explanation whatsoever. In a last attempt to make communication, and I think is the best route, is to try speak face-to-face either drop by or ask him if he could meet you at a neutral place e.g a coffee shop or park. If he is still not willing to talk then I think it's best to leave it then.
I recommend the face-to-face communication because texts, e-mails etc. can get mixed up and lost in translation and you can both get a better understand of eachothers thoughts and feelings face-to-face.
All the best! 🙂
unfortunately I am going through this same thing. He did it to me before and I let him back in my life and now he has done it again. I have no clue what I did to make him mad as he ended things via text and will not respond to text or calls now. I honestly thing everyone deserves some sort of an explanation if you are going to end a relationship with them. No one deserves to be left hanging. Part of me wants to think he is just afraid of committment but I don't know. I keep telling myself if this is how he is, runs away at the slightest thing, won't communicate, etc then this is not the kind of relationship I want. But I just feel like if he would talk to me could work things out. We were friends for about 15 years before we ever were in a relationship together. We both had been married and in other relationships but then we both ended up single at the same time so started a relationship. It was good, no issues. I thought we loved each other, we talked about marriage, had plans for now and future things to do together, then bam I get the breakup text. I don't understand how he can do that. How can you be with someone one day and tell them you love them and make future plans then be gone the next.
Peaceful BLESSINGS,
Life lessons make the soul stronger. Never let anyone reject your spirit. You are in charge of your own powerful happiness.
Love the life you live, live the life you love...
Learn a new language , vounteer within your community and build up your Mental Wealth. Find the passion within You. Keep busy doing you.
1Love~Sharri
Perfect post for me to read today.. the man I'm dating does this dissapearing thing, I said to him that this doesn't work because we don't communicate and I have no idea what's going on in your head.. he called me yesterday and wants to talk with me in person. I can only think about it's all lies...haven't heard from him today andI think I wount, he just called me to know if I like him and would I get him back.. so frustrating to meet a guy like this again..
Dear Kaya,
Rejection is God's Protection...I try to live by this and it is so hard because you feel a deep connection with the guy. But like Jane said this is the honeymoon phase of the relationship, a taste of what kind of friend (first )he will be. But you have to believe that this situation is preparing you for something way better and the crazy part is they always come back when its too late and the thrill is gone! So start putting your time and energy in making yourself better (praying, exercising and connecting with friends and finding/working your purpose )....I hope I helped a little:)
Kaya, It's not worth your time to text or email this guy to get the explanation that you want. You need to move on from this guy. I've been a victim of the disappearing guy act. If you're having communication issues with your boyfriend now, then chances are that they aren't going to improve because running or disappearing every time something goes wrong isn't the answer.
Thanks for sharing your own experience with a disappearing guy, Alysha. When you've been there, you really understand!
Being accused of doing something bad, but not being told what that was would make me furious! I would try to be kind ... at first, but if he kept acting like I was so mean or bad, then I would give him something to be mad about!
NO ... that's bad advice. But I think his behavior is totally unacceptable. Listen to Jane. She gives much better advice. That's why we follow her, right?
🙂
Jane, great advice! I am going through the same thing kind of. We did get to talk, before it ended. But it all happened so fast, I never got to see him in person. One minute were having a nice weekend together and the next we are breaking up and I have not seen him in person since. Its been 4 months! I reached out to him 2 times and got no response. It is so hard not to take it personally! But we have to be strong and be true to ourselves and remember what we are worth! You are right! Do we really want more of this down the road? He is showing you who he is. Sometimes people change their minds and there is really no logical explanation or one that they care to share with us. Pray for him, take care of you Kaya, and take it one day at a time. Try not to project too far into the future because, I don't know about you, but it makes me so fearful and crazy. To think that this person who you are falling in love with, who you saw your future with, may not be the person you thought they were, makes us doubt everything. Im so sorry your going through this! I feel ya girl! Hold your head high, you deserve and I deserve and we all deserve something much better! Gia
Wise words, Gia. Thank you!
I just want to say that I love getting your daily emails and it's really been immensely helpful to realize I am not alone - all of your stories resonate with me. Thank you to you and all the people sharing your stories. - trying to heal
I'm so glad these are all resonating so much with you, CH. Thank you for your kind words. You're never ever alone here!
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Kaya.
As Jane said, you have more information about him now. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who won't tell me how he honestly feels. A man who cannot own up to things and who chooses to run knowing he's being unfair to the other person is just someone who's not relationship material. You've done everything you could... You actually did too much. Let him go sort himself out of your life.
Exactly, Angel. This is how we know.
Bottom line: After 6 months, even with the worst case scenario of him eloping with someone else or having multiple wives/harem . . . an adult with an ounce of COMMON DECENCY would give you a straight answer with consideration in person. My Ex (Ken) before the most recent one (Justin) did this. He may not have my love ever, but he will always have my respect. The opposite is true with the other guy, no love and no respect.
And that's why it's always through someone's actions that who they truly are becomes known.
Greetings,
Life is amazing. Our relationships teaches us about our true self. Our strengths vs. Weaknesses.
This is your life experience of loving. From birth to sunset we love. You are capable of understanding love bc love is within you.
Listen, you and only you are responsible for your happiness not him. In all fairness people feelings do change. It sucks but its the truth. So, be honest with you. Now that you see his ACTIONS with no excuses attached. What are you gonna do for you?
It does not matter what he said what he promised.
What matters is how you deserve to be respected and appreciated in an EXCLUSIVE relationship.
Still in all you want him to want you to want him. I know, I can tell you some shit stories. Will he ever call or text? IDK, maybe, probably, maybe not now, maybe in 30~90 days a year from today ??? BUT, Do you really want to wait to find out???? Only you know what's best for you right!?
Go thru what you need to get thru. Its ok to feel how you feel. Your heart maybe hurting but now you know its working. By fall you will be falling in love again within.
1,Love ,Sharri
Thank you for adding this, Sharri. We always learn far more about ourselves from what we don't get than from what we do.
So needed to read this today. I often wonder about men and their lies. But it always seems like a woman is just supposed to accept their behavior and lie down and swallow whatever they do!!!! Very frustrating. I know we have to work or loving ourselves and we will attract better, but it doesn't seem to be much consolation when we're going through our pain and have been blindsided by such selfishness! Thank you!
That's our cultural programming, Renee. Always question what doesn't sit right with you. You're so much more than your programming! And I'm so glad the timing of my response resonated so much with you.
Personally, I would not reach out to him again. You've already tried and he still gave you nothing. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Do not tolerate such behavior. You deserve nothing less than having a healthy relationship with someone who can, and most importantly, wants to communicate. He obviously is not capable. Do not give him another thought. It's his problem, not yours. Let him go because he certainly doesn't see your worth and you don't need someone like that in your life.
Exactly, AshleyA! No matter how much we can think that we do.
It's him not you Kaya.
Lots of men do this .the big chase , usually with a lot of sweet talking and then the disappearing act. Especially when it looks like it could becoming more serious. Their just not ready to commit and with some men they are never ready.
As one man told me men in general tell you what ever they think you want to hear in the beginning to win you over . After a few months they then decide whether they want to take it further. With Internet dating it becomes easier as its like a lolly shop for them. Lots of woman are very naive with men and don't really take long enough to get to know a man before commiting to them .
Sounds like this one just did a runner and tried to blame it on you. If a guy does this and tries to come back I'd give him a one way ticket because once they do this with no good reason they'll do it again for sure.
That's been my experience.
So true, Gabriella. When we focus as much on the information we receive when we're getting to know someone as the feelings we have, we get a much clearer picture of who someone actually is!
Good Article Jane, my 2 cent for Kaya be thankful it was only a few months and not years. He showed you who he was....please believe him. He is a COWARD most immature men are. The lesson you learned is that he is not a communicator and if this is something YOU need in relationship then you already know what to do!!! My mom told me this along time ago when I was a teenager many year ago, "Baby men are like buses, if you miss one, another is coming". If that bus is not going in YOUR direction, get on the bus that is!! LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!!!
Absolutely, RealDavis. Thank you!
I had this happen with a boyfriend of just over two years. He was to call me when he returned from a business trip, and nothing......we were to spend Thanksgiving together, and I called him two days before Thanksgiving....he did not answer, it went to vm, I asked him to call me...........then later, I sent an email...........no answer. Life went on.......Jan. 1, my final attempt to communicate was by text....just a Happy New Year.......call me.........no reply to this day. We are both highly educated people, and he knows better, but, I guess, he just does not want any confrontation, and he took the easy way out. My close friend, a therapist said......."you probably dodged a bullet with him". We never had an argument in our time together, but I should have known he was not into a LTR when he told me that he never saw himself getting married again, or even living together. He was a great boyfriend, but I think he became fearful, when after two years, people began asking whether he was getting me a ring for Christmas....it was easier for him just to flee. He will do this again, I have no doubt. I just hope he mans up, and tells the next potential long term girlfriend that he really is only a Saturday night dater, and a three time loser!
This is such an important point, Lake Girl - believe someone when he tells you he never sees himself getting married again or even living together. We so often think we can change that if we can be enough of a woman for him, as if it's our role to ever change anyone. We're always enough just as we are - for the right person. If we're not, that's how we know! Thanks for sharing.
Passive-Aggressive. My suggestion, send him a text and email because written word is clear: Dear X, Whatever happened that made you mad, please know, I am committed to owning up to anything I did that resulted in this. Please feel free to reach out if you would like to talk in person to resolve this. I am committed to being in a happy loving and supportive relationship with you. If you are on the same page, I still welcome you in my life. If not, wishing you all the best. Saying goodbye is the last thing I want here but love sometimes means letting go.
Kaya
If you sent this, I would use Slydial to leave a voice voicemail without phone ringing, and I would say: Hi X, hope you are having a good day. Sent you a message. Please take a read. Best, Kaya.
Then let it go knowing you did your part. Whether he responds or not, you at least know that you did all you could. He just couldn't man up, and resolve it like an adult one way or another.
Sounds like you've been here before, Jackie. Thanks so much for adding this to the conversation!
That sounds like a very loving , non threatening approach. But then stick to your guns. In my experience people only make a change when they realize they have lost someone. The change not when given the opportunity to nuture the relationship but only when they experience the loss, which is selfish. To clarify, I am not talking about a cooling off period bc some people just need time to process and if we love someone we have to give them that time.
Not 4 months come back for two weeks and gone 4 months again. That’s not cooling off, that’s craziness. lol.
Wow! Great words of wisdom.
I am in a similar situation and have tried to get her to talk with me and of course she won't. But that is exactly what I don't want in a relationship. When people do those things to us we need to see it for what it is, an intollerable behavior not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship. We fall for someone and want them to change this behavior because deep inside we know that is not what we want and we can not be with someone who exibits that behavior. If you desire to give them a chance then tell them once, or maybe twice. If they do not respond then leave them in the dust. Do not tolerate someone who does not want to communicate.
So glad this resonated with you as well, Mike. "When people do those things to us we need to see it for what it is" - Exactly!
Very well said Mike! It's good to have a guy's perspective here 🙂